Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
