glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
