Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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