gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
