I just threw up on my dentist
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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