i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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