A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
