so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
