There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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