matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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