i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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