I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
