i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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