Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
