Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
