somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
