Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
