new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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