I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
