He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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