The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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