Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
