any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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