College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize