The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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