This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
