Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
