If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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