i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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