peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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