remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
