I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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