I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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