plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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