Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How does it feel to date your dad?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
