How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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