i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
