Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
