This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Terrible idea I love it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
