Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
