I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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