You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
