I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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