she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
