I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize