Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm always down for nudity.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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