so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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