it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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