life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
