So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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