Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
