the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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