My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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