At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Found the puke drawer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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