Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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