I wanna bring you to show and tell
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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