im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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