I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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