It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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