somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize