we have pet lesbian snakes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
