we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
