My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
