never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
