she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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