Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize