Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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