You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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