last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
