Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
