All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize