I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
honey bunches of taint.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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