I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
