Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
