Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
