Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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